Life as a plus size woman hasn’t always been easy. Growing up always being bigger than my peers was a tough obstacle in life. To the world I seemed out going, bubbly and confident, but on the inside I was a broken woman. This has effected me in life, and also in relationships, as I have just never felt good enough for anyone, or good enough in anything I did.
All my life I have battled with my weight, undertaking yo-yo diets – fad diets – and making myself really poorly, telling myself that it was the only way I would be liked or even loved. Going to the gym might have been option, but the thought of Lycra at a size 18 is an unbearable one and sends me into turmoil.
My life seemed to change when I met my ex partner: my sons father. I really did think I had found someone who loved me for me… finally. Things seemed to be perfect and for once I felt I had a man who was happy to have me on his arm. In 2014 I feel pregnant with my son and for once my weight didn’t seem to be a massive issue (even if the midwives were breathing down my neck about it.)
Then, about 5 months into my pregnancy things weren’t right at home, and no matter how much I tried to fight for my partner’s love, his digs about my weight and how ugly I was were proving too hard to handle. Not long after all the insults started he left me for a woman who was completely my opposite, and I couldn’t help but blame how ugly I was and once again my feelings towards my weight became a massive issue.
Not long after we split, I gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy, and I knew I had to keep it all together. I didn’t have a choice; I needed to stay strong – to be a strong independent mother – or at least, that’s what I thought.
Being a mother changed my life: I was finally worth something to someone. However, it also meant that my son was dependant on me when I fell poorly with depression and anxiety in 2017. This is something I think I had for a while, but I was trying so hard to stay strong and there’s only so much one person can take.
I’ll never forget going to see a Dr and her saying to me ‘Don’t get any worse you have a child who needs you’. I have never in my life experienced anything like it, and didn’t understand until it had smacked me in the face.
I had to, for a short period of time, move into my mum’s, because getting out of bed was a chore and getting through the day was a battle. I used to sit in front of the mirror pulling at my ‘fat’ sobbing about the way I looked. I was in such a deep dark place and I didn’t see any way out. It’s so scary how this illness can take over your life, and I didn’t have anything else to beat this battle but me and my son.
My son deserves the best in life, and as much as going through this all on my own was hard, I wanted to show him (and anyone else) that when life kicks you down you get back up and you fight.
My life took an unexpected turn when I was approached on social media about applying to take part in Miss British Beauty Curve 2018. Of course, I immediately told myself I couldn’t do it, but did mention it to family and friends who encouraged me to do it for my confidence: What could it hurt? So I filled in the application form, pondering over the send button for a long time before actually sending. I’m so glad I pressed that send button, because I got an acceptance email back: I had gotten through to the finals!
I had such a short space of time to get everything ready: doing newspaper interviews, and approaching sponsors. This was all so new to me, and daunting, but got me out there and slowly it started building my confidence without me even realising it. Sadly, I did have a lot of negativity about this from people I thought had my back, but it’s times like this where you see peoples true colours. Nonetheless, with my new pageant sisters support I started to feel like I could move mountains.
This was am experience that has changed me for the better, and I have made friends for life with pageant girls who I know love me for me.
The future looks bright; of course, I still fight with my demons surrounding my weight, but it’s easier than it was.
I am what I am!
I am a single mother, and a bloody good one at that!
I work so hard to give me and my son the life we deserve.
I am me, and if this year has taught me anything it’s taught me to love myself for who I am. For those who don’t well… I’ll leave that there.
BIG is BEAUTIFUL
IMPERFECTION is BEAUTY
My life now is about what I have, and how I can make mine and my son’s life better. I now know that I am a good, confident, kind and caring person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and nothing and no one will ever change that. You only have one life – this isn’t a practise run – so I intend on enjoying every second,, and living life to the fullest.
I am Megan, I am a daughter, mother, granddaughter, sister and friend. That’s me. Thank you for reading.