One of the longest standing issues I’ve had with myself is a lack of self love, which is something I think a lot of people struggle with in this day and age. Though many of us have some form of issue when it comes to their outer appearance, and things they’d like to change about themselves, this internal struggle that I have faced for so many years goes much deeper than a simple dislike of my aesthetic.
When I was younger, if someone had asked me what I liked about myself, I guarantee I could’ve listed off at least 5 things, if not more, without hesitation. However, over time, that list shrank, as I developed this really warped view of myself. I started adding ‘ish’ to the end of all positive adjectives: I was nice…ish. Kind…enough. Thoughtful…sometimes. Clever…at somethings. I didn’t even notice what I was doing, because in my head it was important not to be boastful, or to over sell yourself. I thought I was being ‘realistically positive’.
The thing is, this sort of behaviour is really indicative of someone who is emotionally damaged, whose self worth is so low that they can’t even bring themselves to accept a compliment. Soon, I started to not want to be nice to other people either, which was strange, because I had always been that go-to girl. You know, the one everyone goes to when they need help, or advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. At first, I had loved being the one people needed to depend on, but as I got older, and my own life started to get more difficult, I really started to resent people for needing me. I didn’t want to comfort people, or to help them. It became a forced response, rather than something I wanted to do out of love and kindness.
It wasn’t until I started university last year, that I realised just how bad things had gotten for me. I could barely leave my room- let alone the flat- and I survived off of Netflix and takeaways, never wanting to stray from my little bubble of despair.
So this year, I decided enough was enough. I took a year out of university, went travelling, got involved in a plus size pageant, started writing, and learning, and creating, and I finally got to know myself again. I sought out help through counselling for some unexplored childhood emotional traumas, and finally I felt like some of the emotional baggage I had been carrying around for the past 10 years had been lifted.
Then, last weekend, I got the opportunity to undergo training to become a reiki healer. The course was organised and led by Tina Pavlou, who is infamous in spiritual circles for being an amazing psychic, spiritual communicator, angelic reiki master and theta healer. My mum and I met Tina just a few months after my step dad died, when we were both looking for guidance, and she and my mum have been friends ever since, and Tina has been my mums guide through becoming a reiki master too.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from the reiki classes, but it was honestly one of the most spectacular experiences I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of.
For those of you who don’t know, angelic reiki is a form of alternative healing, which uses the highest vibrations and the purest energy possible to heal the mind, body, spirit and emotions.
Sound a little too far fetched? I don’t blame you for thinking so. In fact, if you’d have asked me a few years ago, I would probably have rolled my eyes at the mention of anything spiritual, such as chakras or angels, the sceptic that I was.
However, having known Tina for a few years, I had witnessed undeniable proof of her abilities, both to communicate with those on other planes, and to heal people on this one. Which was why I jumped at the chance to work with her.
Not only did I learn to tap into vibrations and become a healer myself, but I was also tremendously healed by this entire process. I cried and I laughed. I felt all of the pain I had been holding into flow up and out of me, freeing me from the negative emotions regarding my self worth which had been holding me down. I felt the love which surrounds me, and the connections that I have to the community around me. Best of all, I have a new found inner peace, and I think it is going to take me on an entirely new path in life.
So there it is, I am now an angelic reiki healer, and I look forward to progressing onto my masters, and maybe even theta healing one day. I don’t know what the future will hold for me, and I know there are still going to be good days and bad days, but I know that I am really starting to look forward with positivity and light.
Because I now know I am worthy of love, light and positivity.
So I will it.
So mote it be.